Category: Uncategorized

Resume

Best. Teammate. Ever.

Hola amigos and amigas. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking worker that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I’m a 40-year-old professional with experience at bad-ass companies in San Francisco Fucking City. That’s right! What you know about experience? I graduated from the school of hard knocks, and moved to WA at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that Seattle was a rainy shit-hole, I moved back to Texas to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this.

Anyway, so I need a job anywhere that does not have Vax mandates, and I have no fucking clue where that is. Honestly, I’m ready to move anywhere in 3 weeks, so I don’t give a shit if I have to sleep in my car.

A bit about me: I’m respectful, quiet, clean, and a US Navy veteran. I can originate home mortgages and inspect jet engines without breaking a fucking sweat. I can fix anything from a toilet to a computer, real talk. I crack jokes in english and fuckin spanish, how’s that for being diversified. You can hover over me, leave me unsupervised, or leave me in charge and I won’t complain one bit. I also don’t require band aids for paper cuts, just give me tissue and tape and done.

I also eat a lot. I fucking LOVE food. Mexican, Italian, Indian. All that shit. I ate Vegan the other day. Super tasty. I love life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. I like movies, red wine, working out, hiking, snowboarding, biking, tennis, volleyball, soccer, yoga, snorkeling, camping, and card games.

Sometimes I get baked after work. I love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd! AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!

A lot of people ask me, “Hey, you’re from Texas. Are you racist?” And, the answer to that question is, no. I’m not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I’m a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That’s the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?

I own almost nothing! I’m driving my car from California in which I’ll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, protein shakes, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, my wife and a shitload of protein shakes and peanut butter for the trip. Though, you can expect the peanut butter to be gone upon my arrival.

Am I interested in your job offer? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require enough income for food, utilities, and housing to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I’m ready to take your business to the next level. Email me! I’ll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, references, awards, sexual history, pictures, and a list of the top 10 things I’d like to do before I die. If you want a next-generation teammate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I’m ready to work my ass off!